Birkenstock Review
Are Birkenstocks the cast iron pan of shoes?
The up-and-coming trendiness of Birkenstock's has definitely got me feeling mixed emotions. So let me explain. On the right hand, I LOVE that people are getting the support & comfort of a well-crafted shoe. However, I gotta say…on the left hand, I feel like my vibez radar has been way off since Birks have become a social statement of effortless fashion. The overall social signalling of shoes has been muddled, and nowadays it can be tricky to know if someone is a “bro” or a “bruh”. Ya dig?
While Birks have found their way onto the soles of numerous feet and paired with a plethora of styles, I do feel confident that we can all agree on one thing. Slipping on a pair of the classic Arizonas will transport you to the year 8 AD, and trust, you will be questioning yourself, can I too walk on water? & furthermore, wait…am I…Jesus?
The beauty of Birks is that they only get better with time. I ask myself — are Birkenstocks the cast iron pan of shoes? With each wear, they become more seasoned, not only with general dirt and grime but also moulding to become a unique and personalized fit for your feet. Sure, they may be visually deteriorating, but the cork caresses your feet in a way that feels similarily like going to the chiropractor—it kind of hurts, but it mostly it feels good.
Don’t just take my word for it, when I asked my Mom (a long-time Birk devotee) for her thoughts on Birkenstocks, she said:
“They are comfortable, casual, and go with just about everything! 😍😍😍”
I don’t mean to brag (well maybe I do 😉) but since 2014 I have collected 6 pairs of birks, including a sleek pair of black Gizeh* which I affectionately call my “workenstocks”. And like my Mom said, they really do go with most everything and are easily dressed up or down. She originally asked if she could mention her plantar fasciitis, to which I responded “um…maybe not this time”, but if that applies to you then you have her word on the life-changing ability of the Birkenstock brand.
*The ones with the thing that goes between your big and pointer toes. I won’t leave you hanging, here’s the link for reference.
Let’s talk $$$
Ugh, guys, you know I hate when you ask me about price! Just because we’re pals doesn’t mean you can be nosey about my spending habits. IT’S PERSONAL. Plus, like I always say, you can’t put a price on the value of a lifestyle!!! Let me break it down, a pair of the standard classic Arazonias will set you back $110 USD. BUT, let’s do some math, shall we?
Realistically we will be wearing these between the months of May to September (and to your basement laundry room in the winter months) so let’s round that off to 12 months, cool? SO, let’s take $110 and divide that by the 12 months and we get $9.17 a month.
THAT MEANS FOR LESS THAN $10 PER MONTH YOU COULD HAVE YOUR VERY OWN PAIR OF BIRKS.
Not to mention, the return on your investment includes better posture, cradled feet, & cool-a$$ vibez. For all my finance freaks(TM pending) that’s a pretty good ROI! And just to really hit that home run in cost comparison, I listed a few items under $10 that you probably purchase at least once a month. Consider replacing these costs with your Birkenstock investment.
Organic Spinach that wilts in the back of your fridge X2, $8The (replacement) springtime orchid that never seems to bloom again, $10Guacamole that browns immediately upon opening, $5.49Strawberries out of season, $6Starbucks Venti Caramel Frappuccino with espresso shot (there’s no joke, that one is just sad), $8.33
*Prices reflective of NYC
Now, I would like to leave you with this final question...Should the next remake of Scooby-doo have Shaggy in Birks?
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PRODUCT WARNING Birkenstocks may be used as portkey (HP fans anyone?) transporting you to a campground clearing, ass in a camp chair, ankles crossed at the top of your grateful dead gummy bear socks. Blink once and you’ll feel yourself wrist-deep in a bag of trail mix, blink twice and you’ll find a fresh doobie in the other hand, blink thrice and Bob Dylan will start to play over your overpriced wireless speaker.
